Shussher and The Boob

crabs are jerks

Don’t let the adorable packaging fool you. This is the SCREAMER at full throttle.

On a sunny Monday afternoon in late July, in an old hospital, deep in the heart of Zenith City two new superheroes emerged: The Boob and her loyal side kick Shussher.  Together, Shussher and The Boob seek to thwart the attempts of their arch nemesis: The SCREAMER.  Having only just emerged from their “mild-mannered” alter-egos after 40 years of training both Shussher and The Boob faced a steep learning curve.  The SCREAMER emerged with both lungs fully engaged and ready to breakout at a moments notice, with little warning and no apparent reason.  The SCREAMER is the most insidious type of evil on the planet, as she is ensconced in a package so cute and utterly adorable that it simply draws her victims in, leaving them in googley eyed bliss, finding their weakest moments then striking without warming or remorse. 

In those early days as The Boob was still developing her super powers, the Shussher tested out his array of tool.  At first he used tuneless humming, like a loud buzzy insect fought the SCREAMER, winning some early victories.  But the SCREAMER soon became immune to those hums, no matter how loud they were, even to the point that the Shussher got dizzy and had to sit down.  But it was to no avail, the SCREAMER kept up the onslaught, using an arsenal of cries from the nerve wracking to the emotional gut wrenching to the panic hair-puller.  The Shussher soon learned to deploy his primary weapon the Shussh.  It was without a doubt, more effective than the hum.  However, each battle was different.  Sometime the Shussher would win, and sometimes he would be reduced to heaving puddle of shushy goo on the floor, dizzy and still quietly shushing between sobs. 

It was The Boob that would stem the tide of this war, bring to bear her most awesome weapons, twin Lacto-cannons.  Where the Shussher might succeed for a few minutes, The Boob could thwart the SCREAMER for hours at a time, allowing them time to regroup, if not sleep.  Those initial battles took their toll on The Boob, the heavy fighting left her weapons sore, cracked and scarred.  The battles occurred almost constantly. 

Everyday Shussher and The Boob never knew when the SCREAMER would strike.  Two days with 5 hours overnight cease-fires left our heroes brimming with over-confidence only to be struck upon the next day with a constant barrage of the SCREAMERS most powerful weapons.  Every waking hour they were faced with the array of emotive vocalizations, followed by an attack from the milkapult or even worse the shitstorm.  Against these formidable weapons Shussher and The Boob often found themselves outgunned and out maneuvered.  There was nothing to do, but hunker down and hope for the best.  For four weeks our heroes have battled the forces of the SCREAMER.  For four weeks sanity was questioned, sleep was lost, never to be found again.  But in the those four weeks there powers had grown, even as the SCREAMER seemed to weaken just a little. 

the screamer

The SCREAMER ramps up for a major attack

The Shussher learned that a jiggle and rock attack coupled with the shushing made a much more powerful longer lasting combination.  He also found pre-emptive strike weapons.  The Nookular option, could stop the SCREAMER before she even started or even tamp down a mid-range attack.  He also found that whistling could distract the SCREAMER just enough to allow The Boob time to refuel or wash/purge the system of the remnants milkapult and shitstorm attacks. 

The Boob found her weapons systems upgrading daily to the point where they were able to establish a reserve which might allow The Shussher someday hold down the fort against the Screamer while The Boob ventured out and about to save her fragile sanity.  At times they were also able to capture the SCREAMER, encasing her in the swaddle of silence.  They also found that The Rambler or The Cube (their super-transports) were able thwart the SCREAMER through hypnotic road rhythms and loud pop-music.  For some reason it was the bop and pop of Katy Parry and Ke$ha that stopped the SCREAMER attacks, while subtle, cool, folksy bluegrass tunes served fuel the wrath to unsustainable levels. 

For now they fighting looks even, but as each day passes Shussher and The Boob grow stronger in their powers, while the SCREAMER seems a bit more content.  But it may all be trick.  Tune in later for the further adventures of Shussher and The Boob. 

The screamer defeated

Having defeated the SCREAMER momentarily, our heroes rest, waiting, preparing the the next onslaught.


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One Response to Shussher and The Boob

  1. Pingback: On Fatherhood, Twenty Months In. | Jason's Ramble

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